He says that to him, marriage is more than sex. He says that he wants it. I know he masterbates…I have seen the porn site cookies on our computer. My kids told me that when they were younger he would lock the bedroom door, and they think that is what he was doing. I see him stare at other women and I’ve asked him about it and he says that it is only natural, but he can’t keep an erection with me. He never comes to me for sex. Never. He won’t talk about sex. If I mention sex or make sexual jokes he is offended, but he laughs when he hears other people joke about it, and when he watches a movie that has funny sex scenes, he is the first person to fall off the sofa laughing. But me? I am supposed to pretend that I don’t think about it. Also when we have sex, his idea of foreplay is one brief kiss and then go at it like rabbits to get it over with as fast as possible. The idea of sex lasting more than 5 minutes is such a turn off for him. He gropes my breasts and goes in and out so fast that it actually hurts me.
When I have tried to talk to him, he gets mad. I can’t ask him for more or he cuts me off. We have been married for 25 years, what am I to do? I love him. Really love him, but life is passing me by. I am going to be too old to have sex soon. I’m 50, almost 51. I have lied to tell him that I enjoy sex, because if I don’t lie…he won’t touch me at all. It has been over 5 years since I had an orgaism. Now, I know that he will leave me if I tell him that I need him to love me as a woman. He says, "You know, this is just how I am, sex is just more important to you." He makes me feel utterly like a prevert for wanting it at all. And I hate myself because it hurts that he doesn’t want me. I have actually thought about killing myself over this. How can I make myself not care? I want to kill the part of myself that wants sex. Did I also mention that I was molested by my father when I was a child? I was and that is part of the reason that I hate myself for wanting sex, cuz my husband makes me feel like I am sick like my dad was.
Of course, my husband would say that it isn’t his fault, because he has no problem. He didn’t molest me. That it is just something to do with sex being so important to me. He says I am over-sexed. I would just like sex once or twice a week. Is that over-sexed? If that is oversexed….I don’t know…I mean how can I be oversexed when I don’t get sex at all? Is it wrong of me to think it is unfair to not have your husband want you bad enough to miss 5 minutes of sleep to have sex. He says that it is that he has to get up and go to work, but then again on Friday night he is too tired from working, Saturday morning he can’t sleep cuz he is too used to getting up early. He won’t stay in bed cuz he wants to see if Nascar is being taped. Saturday night he has to get up in the morning to go to church and well….Sun night he has to get up early to go to work on Monday morning. Excuses……always anything to save him from trying because the only sex he is giving me is mercy sex.
I want to make myself not want it, to not cry because sometimes when he is laying next to me and has kissed me so tenderly goodnight, I think…wouldn’t it be nice if we could???? but I know that he would just be struggling to keep it long enough to touch me…..this hurts so much…Can anyone help me think of something that will help when I am feeling so disgusting with myself for wanting it? Is my Husband right? Am I putting too my importance on sex? Should I just forget it and not feel sad about never having sex again? Cuz this one thing I know, I am never going to ask him for it again. I can’t stand mercy sex for one more second. It really makes me want to kill myself and that is the truth.
you need to confront him about the masturbating and porn and call him out on it. Tell him if there’s more to a relationship then sex then why is he looking outside the marriage to get his fix. And tell him how it makes you feel. What he is doing right now is disrespectful and he needs to be called out. And ask him if he has a problem with it, if so you guys need to see a counselor. And if he doesn’t see a problem with it, then he doesn’t respect you and I would leave.
you need to confront him about the masturbating and porn and call him out on it. Tell him if there’s more to a relationship then sex then why is he looking outside the marriage to get his fix. And tell him how it makes you feel. What he is doing right now is disrespectful and he needs to be called out. And ask him if he has a problem with it, if so you guys need to see a counselor. And if he doesn’t see a problem with it, then he doesn’t respect you and I would leave.
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Well you are 50, and although his actions are a little suspicious, I would start slowing down soon anyways. Although I have no experience whatsoever with relationships, I do my fair share of research and I know that over 75% of relationships are like this. If this really, really bothers you, you should consider a marriage councillor or a family councillor depending on how serious you want to get. Maybe he is also finnished with the old days when you were both 30 and you could have sex and both enjoy it but I mean, to be honest, this is something all couples go through and if you guys can’t sit down like ADULTS that you are, you should get some help. I’m sorry that you’re going through this and I hope you resolve what troubles you are experiencing. :\
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Did he always suck in bed? If so, why the hell did you marry him? If not, something has happen. Could it be erectile dysfunction or maybe a mid life crisis. I know my grandfather and grandmother don’t have sex anymore and its because of erectile dysfunction. Espeically if he use to be all for it and now things have changed. I suggest momma that you buy a vibrator.
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You need to get him to tell you the truth, when this happened to someone in my family a while ago, the guy turned out to be having an affair for 15 years. this might not be the case with you two, but something’s obviously not right. try a marriage councilor? Get him to understand that he needs to make you happy. if this all doesn’t work, look for an affair with a very hot toyboy
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WHY are you clinging to a man who doesn’t want you? You can’t masturbate or get some love on the side? If your miserable its your own fault for putting up with your husband. I am 46 and have a vibrant sexual relationship with me 56 year old husband. Age is not an excuse for lack of sex or stupidity.
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He’s obviously having an affair and you are whiny and histrionic.
Wow, I normally don’t read questions this long but I did for yours. You are right, he is way off base. He needs to address your needs as a woman and give you want you want and not just take what he wants when he wants, which sounds rare. There is nothing wrong with wanting sex and your age should have nothing to do with it. I think it is great that you want it that much, a lot of guys would appreciate that.
Not sure what I can do to help but all I can say is that he is wrong and you are right. Not sure where you live but I would offer to help if I was closer.
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Well, last night I laid the blame for my husband’s sexual problems at the feet of his brother having sex with him at five. He’s got lots of rules about it. Sounds like your husband might be in the same boat, plus he’s destroyed any concept of sexual normalcy by being a porn addict. Another problem I think my husband has.
You should get a divorce and keep looking for a man who loves to make love to you. I’m 47. I believe it’s totally possible. When I was single four years ago two men in their twenties propositioned me. You are in no way wrong to want sex.
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I feel sympathy for you. This is usually something men complain about. I am in a similar situation except it is my wife that has no interest in sex. It has been years for me as well. Masturbation doesn’t quit fill the need. It just doesn’t seem fair that one person could be so selfish in the relationship. I don’t have an answer for you but I wish I did. I too feel that after raising kids and suffering all the hardships in life that now being 50, well off and not pressured by all the things in the past that this would be the best time for us. Instead it has turned into a lonely miserable time. I myself hope to find someone to share the passion I have with.
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If your kids are grown up and in their place i’d seriously divorce this guy…
He is an asshole… And he won’t admit it…
You are a human being, just like him and you are entitled to love, affection and sex.
There is nothing wrong with you and I see he sucks out all life from you, by reducing you to dust.
He doesn’t treat you well in bed, he hates it and he should look for someone else, just like you should.
I would seriously cheat on this guy.
It’s sad….
But we need appreciation…. And he has none to give….
If you still want to be with him and have a good sex life/
Try to look at his porn – understand his tastes and desires.
Then from what you learn, extract what you would like too and try it on it.
If that doesn’t work, I recommend you look for another sex partner…
Your situation is really tragic. And you are the victim, not him…..
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You are not wrong with wanting that closeness with the man you love. I understand that lack all to well. I stopped asking for it many years ago. I am the same age as you. I don’t want to kill myself because I want sex…it’s normal, and unfortunately we are not in normal relationships. I don’t know what the fix for your problem would be as I am in the same boat…but mine seems to already be sunk. You are not putting too much of an importance on sex, and he should be willing to help you achieve the big O. If you can’t talk to him without him shutting you off..then he’s just looking for an excuse to do so. I know how bad it feels when the man you love ignores the subject of sex. He seems to be selfish, and doesn’t want to put in the time or effort to see that you are happy. No easy way to put it…he just doesn’t care what you feel. If you never asked for sex again…you would never have sex again. That’s how it will probably play out. He has his porn…his fantasies, and you unfortunately aren’t in them. You deserve so much more…you are not the problem here, so please stop blaming yourself. If you’d like to vent a bit more, please feel free to email me. I hope things turn around for you…I really do.
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Oh, I’m so sorry…
No, there is nothing at all wrong with you! It is a natural part of being human. I was kinda in this situation before. Your husband has a bad sex issue. Madonna/whore complex? He needs counseling!
Those of us who have been hurt as children tend to gravitate to others who have the same family of problems. You have every right to be satisfied. If he refuses therapy I don’t think I’d stay.
Love has more to do with sex yes, BUT a healthy relationship includes sex AND love. Dr. OZ says 3-4 times a week is healthy. I mean after all why did GOD give us the parts if we weren’t meant to have sex?
For now enjoy yourself alone, like he does. DON"T feel dirty or guilty! I know how it feels to love a man more than yourself. But, divorce him and find someone who loves you and your body. Losing him doesn’t matter as much as finding your own happiness! If he loves you that much he’d go to therapy with you to fix your love life. If not I KNOW htere are plenty of men out there who’d be happy to have such a loving, sexy, giving partner!
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i feel your pain!
first of all, i have to say that im extremely impressed that after going through the trauma of sexual abuse as a child by a family member, and still have a healthy sexual drive, its admirable.
two. it is obvious that the sexual attraction from your husband towards you is not there. that could be solved with honest talk. if its something you guys can work out great. you might even consider the assistance of a therapist. if not, then that is something you have to deal with and take the decisions you deem appropriate at that time. however, dont let his thoughts make you believe less of yourself, and much less allow that to push you to suicide. you are not oversexed.
my wife is 40 and im 46. she is a dynamo and i enjoy every minute of it. in my first marriage, i was younger, healthier, and even better looking, and i would have sex with my wife maybe once a month or even less. she said the same exact thing as you, "i feel that life is passing me by." and she was right. it was passing us both. but, so many things had happened during our relationship that i couldnt see myself getting aroused by the idea of having intercourse with her. my current wife and i jump our bones 3 times a week at least. i cant have enough of her. sooooo, dont let his sh it get you down. if he doesnt want you, chances are someone else might.
and as for rj’s comment, dont pay heed. he keeps on stating that stupid statistic that 75% of relationships are that way, and i would like to know how many studies actually back up that statement. it is absolutely insane.
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OMG, sweetie don’t hurt or blame yourself. He has some serious issues, the first of which is denial. I’m not going to rewrite the books or websites that already exist, but I will tell you that I’m a former addictions counsellor (ten years) and I spotted this one straight away.
The first thing you need (other than a really great night of lovemaking) is to arm yourself with knowledge that will empower you.
Here are two links that should get you started.
http://newlifehabits.com/
http://www.wired.com/science/discoveries/news/2004/11/65772
Feel free to email me if you want to discuss this.
Bill
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